I knew I was in India when:
- First thing that hits you when you disembark from the plane is the beautiful smells -- its a mixtures of a 25 million sweaty people, about 12 million men urinating in public, mixed with the oily food cooked on the streets of Delhi.......! Ah, but its a smell that lives with you even when you stop living!
- Then you walk through customs, and after queing for like 5 mins (yes, that's changed now), you spend 10 mins at the counter (this hasn't changed yet) being stared at by the very interested power driven person behind the counter. He/She will glance at your passport, then back and you . After doing this like a hundred times, and making you feel so uncomfortable that you want to pretend you are a smuggler so you can be taken away from there, he/she will ask 'is this your photo madam'. You say 'yes, ofocurse'. And get into a nervous banter 'oh, it looks different because it was taken about 4 years ago, when I had short hair, and less pounds on my face, and ....'. You get stopped short ... 'go'...! You feel ridiculous standing there just having spent a good amount of time justifying your silly passport photo to the person.
- you go out to collect you baggage, and ALL people of Indian origin are almost on top of the conveyor belt. Like their baggage will come any faster if they stood on top of it!
- Baggage arrives soon enough! In one piece! Great! Then you make your way out -- only to be greeted by hundreds of taxi drivers to hire their taxi. You look for that knight in shining armour to rescue you! He arrives -- with a placard saying 'MR.....' You look at him and say 'hi its me'., He looks at you and says back 'Sorry madam, looking for Mister Raju'. You explain in torrid hindi...! He understands and takes your baggage, including your hand bag. You want to tell him not to take your hand bag, but he won't listen. You run a few paces behind him. The heat getting to you and your reach the most elegant car! You get in, and get given a cold face towel. Great idea.... but you think, 'has this been washed'? Then you let go, and wipe your face dry. Then you get given a bottle of cold water...and then 'madam, welcome to Delhi'. For the briefiest moment you allow yourself to be indulged, forgetting that you are in Delhi/India. Then you look out of the window!...........
and........... it's all over for you! You have fallen in love!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Great time 'getting lost' in Dehli
"Getting lost" has a whole new meaning in Delhi. This is how it works:
- First, you ask for a car with a driver, who has the local knowledge
- The driver arrives with a car. Nice clean car -- with paper at the bottom of the car saying 'have a safe trip' (makes you wonder, hmmm "is this some kind of a warning?")
- The paper is there so that the car does not get all that rubbish that you collect from the roads all day and bring it inside the car
- Then there is the plastic wrapping on the seats. I ask the driver, very surprised 'is this a new car'? (the car looks beaten but plastic still on the seats makes you wonder, and the 'have a safe trip' paper comes back to my mind)."no madam' he says. He explains that the car is about 7 years old and the plastic has never been taken off. The plastic looks much more newer than the car, I can vouch for that.
- then you tell him where you want to go. He says 'ok madam'. And off he goes.
- then about 2 hours in to the journey, you realise you have almost left Delhi behind an hour ago. You ask 'Driver, do you know where you are going?'. Silence! I repeat. Silence again. Then sheepish reply 'actually madam, I was waiting for you to give me directions'!! You want to kill him then. We stop to ask someone. They give you directions. 'Go straight and turn left one says'., You do that, you reach a dead end. You ask someone else, they say "what madam, you are completely in the wrong direction. Go back, and then go straight and right'. You do that for about 20 mins. All this through the heaviest traffic you can imagine - the main roads and the off roads all have all kinds of cars, heavy trucks, babies begging in the middle of the road, cows in abundance, livestock.
- I have a smart driver. He reverses the car each time we have missed the direction. He reverses the car in the middle of a heavy traffic, on the opposite side of where every one else is heading. And no one even gets angry about it. They just let him pass.
- After about another 20 mins, after I have called the client about 20 times, we stop again. We ask for directions again. The man looks at me, the driver, then me and the driver. I think 'stop the f-ing drama, just tell us where to go'. He says 'what madam, you are completely in the wrong suburb'. That place is about 10 kms away.
- My driver says immediately 'madam, I told you!!!'. I want to kill him by then. Totally.
- I finally glare at him, and in my most strongest, angriest voice I say to him, 'I need to be at this place in 20 mins. If I dont reach there on time, I will not pay you'. That seems to work instantly. I am at the place in less than!
Finally!
more later.,
- First, you ask for a car with a driver, who has the local knowledge
- The driver arrives with a car. Nice clean car -- with paper at the bottom of the car saying 'have a safe trip' (makes you wonder, hmmm "is this some kind of a warning?")
- The paper is there so that the car does not get all that rubbish that you collect from the roads all day and bring it inside the car
- Then there is the plastic wrapping on the seats. I ask the driver, very surprised 'is this a new car'? (the car looks beaten but plastic still on the seats makes you wonder, and the 'have a safe trip' paper comes back to my mind)."no madam' he says. He explains that the car is about 7 years old and the plastic has never been taken off. The plastic looks much more newer than the car, I can vouch for that.
- then you tell him where you want to go. He says 'ok madam'. And off he goes.
- then about 2 hours in to the journey, you realise you have almost left Delhi behind an hour ago. You ask 'Driver, do you know where you are going?'. Silence! I repeat. Silence again. Then sheepish reply 'actually madam, I was waiting for you to give me directions'!! You want to kill him then. We stop to ask someone. They give you directions. 'Go straight and turn left one says'., You do that, you reach a dead end. You ask someone else, they say "what madam, you are completely in the wrong direction. Go back, and then go straight and right'. You do that for about 20 mins. All this through the heaviest traffic you can imagine - the main roads and the off roads all have all kinds of cars, heavy trucks, babies begging in the middle of the road, cows in abundance, livestock.
- I have a smart driver. He reverses the car each time we have missed the direction. He reverses the car in the middle of a heavy traffic, on the opposite side of where every one else is heading. And no one even gets angry about it. They just let him pass.
- After about another 20 mins, after I have called the client about 20 times, we stop again. We ask for directions again. The man looks at me, the driver, then me and the driver. I think 'stop the f-ing drama, just tell us where to go'. He says 'what madam, you are completely in the wrong suburb'. That place is about 10 kms away.
- My driver says immediately 'madam, I told you!!!'. I want to kill him by then. Totally.
- I finally glare at him, and in my most strongest, angriest voice I say to him, 'I need to be at this place in 20 mins. If I dont reach there on time, I will not pay you'. That seems to work instantly. I am at the place in less than!
Finally!
more later.,
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Monkey Times in Delhi
This is true. Due to the 'monkey menace' in Delhi, they have set up a 'monkey catcher' incentive programme. Any one who can catch a monkey, bring it to the authorities gets Rs. 500. Not bad, so far!
This is a true story I heard last night.
A westerner got pestered by monkeys. So he decided to get them caught and give it to the authorities. He went to a monkey catcher. The monkey catcher caught "a" monkey and he handed him over to the authorities and pocketed the money. The problem continued. The catcher got called in almost daily and got Rs 500 each time he turned in the money. Until one day, the poor white man realised that the monkey 'looked very familiar'. He asked the monkey catcher, why the monkey looked so familiar. The catcher said 'Sir, all monkeys looked alike'. Then the poor white man decided to investigate (but ofcourse!!). He found out that the 'monkey was being recyled'. Ha!
This was part of the deal. Pester the westerners, get the monkey catcher in, hand over the same monkey each time to the authorities, and pocket the money. Share it with the authorities. Then recyle until you found another scape goat! It happens only in India.
And then to add to this bizariety...yesterday the papers say that New Delhi's deputy mayor falls to death because of monkey mayhem. http://raratimes.blogspot.com/. It's true. Read it!
These are monkey times eh! Don't monkey around too much!
This is a true story I heard last night.
A westerner got pestered by monkeys. So he decided to get them caught and give it to the authorities. He went to a monkey catcher. The monkey catcher caught "a" monkey and he handed him over to the authorities and pocketed the money. The problem continued. The catcher got called in almost daily and got Rs 500 each time he turned in the money. Until one day, the poor white man realised that the monkey 'looked very familiar'. He asked the monkey catcher, why the monkey looked so familiar. The catcher said 'Sir, all monkeys looked alike'. Then the poor white man decided to investigate (but ofcourse!!). He found out that the 'monkey was being recyled'. Ha!
This was part of the deal. Pester the westerners, get the monkey catcher in, hand over the same monkey each time to the authorities, and pocket the money. Share it with the authorities. Then recyle until you found another scape goat! It happens only in India.
And then to add to this bizariety...yesterday the papers say that New Delhi's deputy mayor falls to death because of monkey mayhem. http://raratimes.blogspot.com/. It's true. Read it!
These are monkey times eh! Don't monkey around too much!
Bar time in Delhi
I am in India currently. More specifically in Delhi. It's the only place on earth (Ahmen) where the men still start lecherously at women -- even if the woman is 100 yrs old, as long as she has a ample bosom! Well, guess what happens to moi then!
I am staying at this beautiful boutique hotel at Friends Colony (highly recommended) www.thedelhimanor.com.
I have had a big day yesterday. Techerous traffic, hot day, lecherous men (did I say that already!) and so noisy that the ears ring much after you have left that place. But I love it all!!!
Last night, I decide to go to the bar attached to the restaurant. Just because...
They were playing my fav Dido, but there was a western man sitting at the bar so I decided to sit outside in the courtyard. Beautiful night and all! Two other guys joined in the courtyard shortly. Loud Canadians!
First of all, the waiter came in with the menu. Remember we are at a bar, I can see the guys have just ordered for beers, and the other guy sitting inside is also having a beer. But I get the menu for 'lassi, orange juice and water'...haha! I say to the waiter "can you pls give me the drinks menu". He says with a sincere look on his face "madam this is the drinks menu"...!! I say 'Alcoholic drinks" . He almost faints!!!! I swear. I can see the sweat forming. He brings the menu and then he says 'wine is not good for woman'...lol..I say 'no problem.I am not having wine anyway. Get me a vodka'......!!! he nearly dies.
Makes me smile each time this happens! Makes me want to do it more often. Why, don't know!
Next time, I may order a glass or maybe a bottle of wine, just to see the look on his face!
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